If love is just a game?
All I know it is crazed
My heart just breaks and withers away
For my life is warped in pains
Is it possible to be free-standing?
To not need the drugs,
Using them as my glue
To fix my jaded view.
Am I ever going to be fine?
To live in a world sublime
Making cherries into wine
Basking in the sunlight.
At 19 I had already been assaulted by my boyfriend. I wore a bruise like a hickey in front of my grandma, filled with shame.
Within the month I was sectioned, my mind was not stable but the bruise had healed. I span like a spinning top in a circle of domino’s.
It was undeniable that I was going to ruin everything but just when would I veer and tumble?
Like Alice I entered a new world of elation, where beauty and wonder only exist. Where cats sing and caterpillars speak riddles and rhymes. Where unbirthdays make sense, I celebrated me for a month.
Leaving behind the anxiety and fear, where time and space suffocate. But as time went on the wonders evolved into confusion and when I once believed I was the spider. I quickly became the fly.The Domino’s had fell with force.
I was the bones of a Dinosaur never to be found. I woke from my happiness in the deepest pool of darkness at the edge of a lake.
A lake was filled with tar, filling the lungs of creatures and where all the fish float. It was a field of sparkling scales of death, thats how the media sees depression like some beautiful sadness. All I am is dead fish. I can not see the colours or the world or even look myself in the mirror.
My reflection is broken glass, unrecognisable features. They told me to look and cope, understand and feel.
I knew nothing about any of these words let alone practicing them. True happiness is not for the bruised.
Recognition of the past was impossible but without it I had no future. I climbed the ladder to find nothing at the top.
Life was not going to change because of my visit to wonderland. These bruises could never heal.
I had to change.
There was an old lady who flea
She had broken the rules that be
She set fire to a garden
She plead for a pardon
As she was barmy
Taut fragile skin
Aging of time
Where vivid lights shine
Rose golden playbox but mute.
Thoughts rasp in the wind
I see no loving friend
Bitter lemon lips
Speak serpent song
Green forest ground
Stuck under my thumb
Weary prying eyes
Looking deep inside.
Memories long and far
Like a twinkling star
Your taunting prickle
Haunted by death
Deeply, longingly and openly. I think back to the moment you looked into my eyes longer than I looked into yours. The heavy guilt that sat on my chest as I turned away. It confirmed the moment I loved you less and my love for you from then deceased. You were willing to accept change but I was pleading to see you fight. I stopped waiting for you. I regret it at times when I am lonely. When I am happy I relish in the escape from our madness. I don’t love you anymore but I miss being loved. I miss when I knew you would never stop loving me. When you held me in your arms. I miss the laughs and the way you knew exactly how to cheer me up. I miss the smell of the crook of your neck and the way your eyes looked when you talked. We changed each other.
Now I realise that love does not always feel like what you expect. Love was feeling the way you kissed me when you hurt me, it was soft, causious and kind. Love was running about, laughing and the excitement of the chase. Love was watching each others tv shows. I didn’t feel weak with you mostly. I felt like I had a reason to be alive. Until our lives became filled with agititation and anger. Our home became a negative environment, I wanted you to love me so much more. I had not realised that you had run out of love for me. I was not ‘the one’, I was a stop gap, a interim, something to fill the void and we both just didn’t see we were wrong all along.
Roses are red, my heart is whack
I’ve wished I had died the night of the attack.
So much you stole but free to roam
Now I’m just a prisoner of my own.
Running from everything I’ve ever known.
I always believed I was misunderstood. That people didn’t see the real and that even my voice was not my own. I realised I made mistakes often so I was always trying to learn, that is positive but not if you keep missing the point. You wouldn’t believe I am a typical depressed person with that level of positivity, right? From now onwards I want to blog about my life, my mental health problems and the time I have spent trying to discover myself. To share my lows and highs, to be able to live positively instead of life filled with turmoil and aggrivation.
Mental health is something we all have good or bad. For me I don’t think it has ever been healthy but thankfully at times it hasn’t caused me too many problems. The problem with having mental health problems is that you have to learn to manage yourself and the world around you. Who you are friends with because if you spend time with certain people you find yourself feeling out of control. You go out partying and suddenly find yourself taking cocaine and licking it off an aquaintances fingers like a party whore. I am to blame for that behaviour I cannot blame anyone else but certain people seem to set my life on fire, there is something about them and I want to be in there world.
Mental health has been something I have suffered with and learned to manage for as long as I can remember. We can all make steps to make ourselves better at coping with challenges in our own lives. Even the most stable person can be challenged in their personal life, occupation, knowing themselves and surviving every day monotonous life. Stigma related to mental health problems and disorders baffles me, we all have a mind and thoughts and if our bodies can get become ill, be in disregulation and get injured why not our minds.
I am writing this blog to hopefully develop my writing skills but also to share my thoughts with you.