Beneath this smile is a thousand tears hidden from your eyes. Wiped aggressively from my glassy window pains which have been bolted shut from the outside. In between each breath is a thought I cannot carry. Reaching out for the latch to escape. With every wondering gaze I’m wishing I could see what was behind me. Even in my own home I feel fear of a lurking evil prying. I have been trying to think of ways to be normal all day. It took me hours to leave the house today and now I’m out I realise I haven’t eaten anything at all. But I have planned out my route to go back and cook. Can’t break the plan as my stomach twists and dives. So I have to wait. Feeling a guilt and sadness lifting up inside. Pushing down my insanity I focus on the smells of the flowers and the cheers of children playing. Absorbing the wonders of life I find myself paralysed sat on a bench overlooking a beautiful park. The sloping plush green grass, bees zooming effortlessly working hard. I wish I knew what to do today. I envy the bees with their purpose. I have to make plans in my head verified by the crazy person inside. She is me and I am her. From time to time I let her run the show and destroy someone else’s smiles as well as my own. Today I will just sit outside and hope the breeze can lead me away from my suicide.
I aspire to write positive messages of hope and journeys,
Filled with beauty and meaning.
I have spoken many words but they are filled with distaste.
Who can help me with these black and white frames?
How do I appreciate the grey?
When looking out onto the ocean I feel no emotion.
I selfishly speak of my own world,
As I don’t see anything clearly outside myself.
I wonder if really I am living in a land filled with hope,
Whether people are forever on their journey,
Whether I am just blind to the satisfying life.
The reason I breath tonight is because I hope the warmth of the sun touches me just once,
The caressing wind of love,
How am I blind to it all even though I recognise it in others?