Beneath this smile is a thousand tears hidden from your eyes. Wiped aggressively from my glassy window pains which have been bolted shut from the outside. In between each breath is a thought I cannot carry. Reaching out for the latch to escape. With every wondering gaze I’m wishing I could see what was behind me. Even in my own home I feel fear of a lurking evil prying. I have been trying to think of ways to be normal all day. It took me hours to leave the house today and now I’m out I realise I haven’t eaten anything at all. But I have planned out my route to go back and cook. Can’t break the plan as my stomach twists and dives. So I have to wait. Feeling a guilt and sadness lifting up inside. Pushing down my insanity I focus on the smells of the flowers and the cheers of children playing. Absorbing the wonders of life I find myself paralysed sat on a bench overlooking a beautiful park. The sloping plush green grass, bees zooming effortlessly working hard. I wish I knew what to do today. I envy the bees with their purpose. I have to make plans in my head verified by the crazy person inside. She is me and I am her. From time to time I let her run the show and destroy someone else’s smiles as well as my own. Today I will just sit outside and hope the breeze can lead me away from my suicide.
Harking, crawling, burden, smell.
People see how I long to dwell.
Sickness burning in my throat.
Sea of blood calls me to float.
Ingrid bellows across the field
I turn to see strawberry tears
One step forward off the cliff
Takes away my wandering drift
Although I am happy I’m also sad
There is nothing good in this land.
The picture above is somewhere I once felt great sadness but have since been there and been happy. I imagine that the colours of the sea are the colours the water in the poem.
The lady is beautiful
Her body wearing a smile of admiration
Laid wearing a carefully chosen outfit
Green satin blouse drooping over her wrists
Hiding years of tormented illness
Etched into her skin
Skirt just above the knee exposing
Scraps and hits
As if saying we fought so hard to end this
Running rampant in the trees
The ocean snake whispers her dreams
Imagine a women with child
A smile so warm and free
I see paling skin and melancholy
Reeds shake as they drag her body
Water ripples and tears escape
As a jug becomes empty
I wonder for her family
Summers sun thickens
Flies buzz mercilessly
In swarms like nets catching its prey
I see merely a victim of sadness
Someone who could not stay