Am I ill?

Stamping on my chest.

Devils claws sink into my shoulder.

Pushing me down

And sitting in my view.

Whispering ‘You are just another small time muse’

Meaningful gazes ask if I’m fine

Glances back scream ‘I’m fucked.’

I show a small apologetic smile

One that let’s you know I don’t need you.

That it will be fine.

It will be OK.

I am just someone who cries in the street on Thursday.

Pain

If our pain is unavoidable,

Let it be a pain of our choosing.

So I guess at 13 pulling a blade against my sick was a choice?

I chose my mental illness like its a option at lunch

Bipolar, anxiety or OCD.

Normality fleeted my deck of cards that very day,

Lined up just jesters and fours

Winners cards crumbled into ash.

From blood smeared on the walls

To vomit filled toilets.

It began so easy and trivial

To vodka downed straight

Dancing in the darkness

I guess I chose pain or did it choose me?

I guess I was unfortunate,

That my parents did not raise me right.

Or the bullies viper tongues,

Venom was deadly in my mind.

When I choose to date women,

And give my virginity away for free.

Did I choose suffering or was that all was offered to me?

When I was given black eyes as love

When I was locked in a secure ward

It was not just for fun.

Did I choose the pain or did it choose me?

I guess if it continues rifling through my successes

That I left an open door for it to walk in.

I guess it saw the weakness in me.

Maybe I will never be free.

Verdict 

Pardon me,

I have seen a thousand lies

Written upon cloudy eyes

I know deceit well.

Thanks to the jury

Who knew I was innate.

Cold wind hit me on the steps

I knew they thought he was clean

Taxi car shudders to a halt.

Escape is impossible where I sleep

Flash backs taunt me,

How could they not see?

Cold river water enticing.

See the evil in his clouds

Shook my heart and squeezed my lungs.

Looming storm above

I don’t want to feel this pain no more.

Swallowing burning water.

Suicidal me 

Harking,  crawling,  burden, smell. 

People see how I long to dwell. 

Sickness burning in my throat.

Sea of blood calls me to float. 

Ingrid bellows across the field 

I turn to see strawberry tears 

One step forward off the cliff

Takes away my wandering drift 

Although I am happy I’m also sad

There is nothing good in this land. 

Ward

Speaking slowly

Eyes shift

Plastic chairs secured to the floor 

I do not believe I’m in kansas anymore 

Salmon pink or cream walls

Probably a psychiatric ward 

Eyes observing behind a glass.

I wonder how much time has passed. 

Someone comes up and asks me if I’m OK 

They even know my name

I wonder if it’s been years

I recall voices in my head

My skin feels coarse

I’m nearly in tears

‘Do you need some Prn? ‘ He calls

A reassuring and friendly tone

I wonder if it’s a dream

Where someone actually notices me

Morning cracks

Ocean eyes stagger

In dim morning streets

Icy breeze exhilarates

Washing away sadness

Heavenly bells chime

With distant birds call

Singing a song of regret 

Breaking open the window 

Shaking drunken limbs

Straddling the frame

Don’t let them know 

That I slept in a strangers bed again

Gazing into the dewy light 

First scents of clean bedding

Soaring face first

I forget what I did

Alcohol laden breathe

Simmering regret.

Carcus

The picture above is somewhere I once felt great sadness but have since been there and been happy. I imagine that the colours of the sea are the colours the water in the poem. 

Carcus

The lady is beautiful 

Her body wearing a smile of admiration 

Her carcus

Laid wearing a carefully chosen outfit

Green satin blouse drooping over her wrists

Hiding years of tormented illness

Etched into her skin 

Skirt just above the knee exposing

Scraps and hits

As if saying we fought so hard to end this

Running rampant in the trees

The ocean snake whispers her dreams

Imagine a women with child 

A smile so warm and free

I see paling skin and melancholy 

Reeds shake as they drag her body 

Water ripples and tears escape

As a jug becomes empty 

I wonder for her family 

Summers sun thickens 

Flies buzz mercilessly 

In swarms like nets catching its prey

I see merely a victim of sadness

Someone who could not stay